Plotting and surprises
Jul. 29th, 2004 04:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badseed1980Morgan, this is for you, but I want everyone else to see it.
Stop saying, "Oh, I wish I hadn't even bothered." I wrote you not one but TWO e-mails this morning telling you how happy and excited I am, and that I trust your judgment. I can't wait to see what you got me for a present. Did you read them? If not, do. If you did, read them again. If you didn't get them, tell me, and I'll resend them. You never replied to them.
I will be happy because it's from you. And you say, "big deal", but it fucking well IS a big deal. It means that everything you give to me or do for me is a big deal to me. Everything from you is important to me. And if that doesn't matter to you, well, I don't know why not.
I will be happy because you put thought into it. And you say, "big deal" to that too. And it IS a big deal, too. For a while there, you either didn't care enough or just weren't conscienscious enough to put effort and thought into the things you gave me or the time you spent with me. Knowing that has changed makes me very happy. Not just for the sake of a single present, but because it is evidence of a huge and wonderful change in our relationship. One that makes it so much better than it was before.
I will be happy because I trust that whatever you got me really IS something that is meaningful in and of itself, something that will move me very much. My doubts at first were based on the past. They were based on the way you used to act before you started putting thought and effort into your relationship with me, and before you started paying attention to what I like and need, before you started trying to do things for me that show me how much I matter to you as a unique individual. But you DO put in effort now. You DO pay attention. And you do treat me like something more than just one of many interchangeable girls. So given those changes in you, I am fully confident that you were able to find something that will absolutely make my day.
Capisce?
Stop saying, "Oh, I wish I hadn't even bothered." I wrote you not one but TWO e-mails this morning telling you how happy and excited I am, and that I trust your judgment. I can't wait to see what you got me for a present. Did you read them? If not, do. If you did, read them again. If you didn't get them, tell me, and I'll resend them. You never replied to them.
I will be happy because it's from you. And you say, "big deal", but it fucking well IS a big deal. It means that everything you give to me or do for me is a big deal to me. Everything from you is important to me. And if that doesn't matter to you, well, I don't know why not.
I will be happy because you put thought into it. And you say, "big deal" to that too. And it IS a big deal, too. For a while there, you either didn't care enough or just weren't conscienscious enough to put effort and thought into the things you gave me or the time you spent with me. Knowing that has changed makes me very happy. Not just for the sake of a single present, but because it is evidence of a huge and wonderful change in our relationship. One that makes it so much better than it was before.
I will be happy because I trust that whatever you got me really IS something that is meaningful in and of itself, something that will move me very much. My doubts at first were based on the past. They were based on the way you used to act before you started putting thought and effort into your relationship with me, and before you started paying attention to what I like and need, before you started trying to do things for me that show me how much I matter to you as a unique individual. But you DO put in effort now. You DO pay attention. And you do treat me like something more than just one of many interchangeable girls. So given those changes in you, I am fully confident that you were able to find something that will absolutely make my day.
Capisce?
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 01:48 pm (UTC)Yeah, what she said.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 01:52 pm (UTC)Thanks.
It WAS an affectionate dope smack though. I'm not mad or anything. Just frustrated that I can't seem to get it through to the boy that I'M HAPPY. Oy.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 01:57 pm (UTC)Hard to be aggressively insistent that you're happy, though--messes up the tone of the message.
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Date: 2004-07-29 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 03:10 pm (UTC)the things that were said in various things about plotting hurt like fucking hell.
They really did feel condescending.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-30 05:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 03:20 pm (UTC)In fact, I started to panic tonight. I'm better now.
I thought I had said all that needed to be said about the gift issue on the phone.
The plotting issues are NOT just abouot gifts for you.
It's about birthday parties and such, brain breakage, trying to come up with exciting things for all of you . . .
I can't do it. because I never have, I never can.
That is what you all are acting like.
If that is true, why did I bother to stop lying?
Why didn't I listen to someone who told me they didn't think I coould stop lying, and not bother tryinig. It was what was expected, and me doing differently made them have to look at things sin a different light.
Seems like everyone expects me to fail at good shit.
this is the biggest source of my depression, feeling like a failure.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-30 05:28 am (UTC)So did I, love. But I thought you were still upset about it, judging by posts and comments you made about plotting and stuff.
The plotting issues are NOT just abouot gifts for you.
Ok. I thought you were still upset about that, which is why I was getting frustrated that you didn't seem to understand I was happy.
It's about birthday parties and such, brain breakage, trying to come up with exciting things for all of you . . .
I'm sorry honey. It's not that I think you're a failure. I guess it's just my natural cynicism that asserted itself here. See, I have never had anyone who planned surprises for me and did things to shock me in a good way and make me happy. No one's ever done that. And in the past, you hadn't seemed like you would, or could. I thought that if no one else ever had done that sort of thing for me, why should you, who have so much more to be concerned with? But I think that to hold onto that viewpoint was wrong of me. It's occurred to me that just because you haven't had the opportunity to show off your romantic plotting skills on me yet, doesn't mean you don't have them. I will trust you, and I look forward to seeing what you will do. And you know what? I'll do my best to work my own plotting mojo on your behalf, too. :)
EEK.
Date: 2004-07-30 10:56 am (UTC)I might be sticking my nose in here where it isn't invited, but I feel the need to mention something. I made a comment (which I don't know if you've seen or not) that my gut feeling was that you don't do "devious" well. Please know that I meant you absolutely no insult by saying that.
I guess it's that ... well, to me you have this almost innocent schoolboy charm about you that makes it hard to believe you could actually BE devious. And I don't mean that I think you're a kid!! On the contrary, that "innocent" charm of yours contrasts nicely with what I know you are like as a true sexual being. (Kinds like the male equivalent of an 18+ woman in Catholic Schoolgirl dress ...)
Now, I don't know you as well as everyone else here by a LONG shot, so I could be WAY off base with some of this. But from what I DO know of you, that's how you struck me. And that's all I meant.
*hugs*
Re: EEK.
Date: 2004-07-30 10:58 am (UTC)Morgan? Innocent? *snort*
*CRASH*
Date: 2004-07-30 11:11 am (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-30 11:14 am (UTC)Kind of like the murderous rabbit from Monty Python.
RUN AWAAAAAAAY!!!
I'm kidding, Morgan!
*scampers off*
Re: EEK.
Date: 2004-07-30 11:05 am (UTC)I just pointed it out to myself, in an email to someone else, that my attempot to be devious, and announce that I was being so, was an attempt to be like others whom I admiore, and others of whom I am envious.
trying to do something that I know my loves would enjoy, while giving them the thrill of wondering what's up, from my bragging about it.
I was told I am loved for things that aren't my ability (or lack thereof) to plot.
I just haven't any clue what they are.
Re: EEK.
Date: 2004-07-30 11:22 am (UTC)I just haven't any clue what they are
Hmm. Let's see.
Your passion and enthusiasm.
Your sense of fun.
Your caring support of those who love you.
Your quick wit.
Your ability to hold long conversations that just meander happily from topic to topic.
Your creativity.
Your naughtiness.
Your desire to be the best person you can, and the work you put into making it happen.
Your courage.
Your compassion.
Your intelligence.
Your spirituality.
Your determination.
Your delight in love and lovemaking.
Your sweet smile.
Your open friendliness.
Your charisma.
Your honesty.
And I could go on and on. But I do need to get SOME work done today. ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 10:23 pm (UTC)