Ha?

[badseed1980]

Someone tell me a joke? I need a laugh.

Comments

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Here's one about Ghandi (http://www.netjeff.com/humor/item.cgi?file=fragile.mystic.txt).

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Holy shit! I was just trying to remember this one the other day!

BTW: Thanks for the message. I couldn't call back, but I appreciated it. *hugs*

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

No problem! Call me later if you want to.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I think life is ok now. :)

Thanks.

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Why did the Dali Lama refuse Novocaine when he went for a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Oy vey!

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

How about a limerick?

There once was a fellow named Menses
Whose kisses sent girls into frenzies

'Til a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright

And shattered his bifocal lens-ies!

Or:

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who claimed to have no sexual feeling

Then a skeptic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris

and now she's stuck to the ceiling!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Dirty limericks!!! YAY!

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Another from his vault:

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave it to her.

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Whoops, that was supposed to go in the landlord's favorites.

Ooh, I got one...

[tisana.livejournal.com]

A surly and pessimist druid,
A defeatist, if only he knew it,
...Said, "The world's on the skids,
...And I think having kids
Is a waste of good seminal fluid."

Re: Ooh, I got one...

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

*tee hee!*

Ok...

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Thank you!

What's wrong? I read backwards, so I may get the story.

*hugs*

Re: Ok...

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

LOL...good one.

It's just the same old story. Actually, as of maybe 5-10 minutes ago, life is better. :)

Re: Ok...

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear it!

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

There's always one of my landlord's favorites:

A pirate walks into a bar, wearing a ship's wheel on the front of his belt. The bartender asks him, "What's the wheel for?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Already got that one! It's one of my favourites!

i'm going to hell...

[autumnsshadow.livejournal.com]

how do you get 100 dead hookers out of your garage?

Re: i'm going to hell...

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

LOL...oh no...how?

Wait, it wasn't a joke, you really need help, right? :P

Re: i'm going to hell...

[autumnsshadow.livejournal.com]

damn...


it's much better told in person

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Renee' Descartes walks into the afterlife philosopher's bar. In it are all the philosophers you can think of: Plato, Aristotle, etc. The bartender looks at him, and says, "Say, aren't you Hobbes?"

In a snit of pride, Descartes responds, "I think not!"

He disappears.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA!!!

Oh man, that's a riot. And it's Rene'. Unless he was a chick. :P

How about a story?

[mizdarkgirl.livejournal.com]

So yesterday I needed to get my tent out of the Storage Unit for Pennsic. It is at the bottom of a steep ramp in the basement of my building. AH HA! A grocery cart in the basement. That will help a lot. I load up the unfolded tent and various stuff in the cart and look like a baglady. I can't help it... I start humming the theme song from Sanford and Son. All is good. I get 90% up the ramp and the front wheels turn. I can't go up anymore and if I let go the cart will run over me. As I stand there and giggle of the absurity of looking like a baglady who gets run over with a grocery cart, a dog leans over and licks my head. Thank god it didn't have to pee!

Re: How about a story?

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Truth is stranger than fiction! :P

[wolf-kells.livejournal.com]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[tigira.livejournal.com]

A new bus driver got to work late on his first day. Alas, that meant that he got stuck with the last bus on the lot. The worst of this was that he was now going to be stuck with this bus ALL YEAR! It wasn't yellow, like the others. This one was white, with Sesame Street characters painted on the side. Oy vey.

He goes through his route...

At one stop, there are these two rather rotund chatty girls. When they got on the bus they kept talking and without a pause introduced themselves to the bus driver. Oddly enough, they both called themselves "Patty."

Continuing through the route, he picks up a few more kids. There was one named Ross, who thought he was hot stuff. There was also a little nerdy kid named Lester Reese. The bus driver had already been told to watch this kid.

He drives along, and continues to pick up kids. Along the way, he remembers he's supposed to keep an eye on this Lester kid. So he looks in his mirror and sees the kid - shoes off, picking at his feet! Eeeew! (Icky!)

He gets the kids to school, and eventually stops at home for lunch. His wife sat down at the table with him and asked how his first day went on the job. Here was his reply...

...

...

...

...

...

Two obese Patty's, Special Ross, and Lester Reese picking his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

*GROAN*

The Five Stages of Drinking

[erik-j-meyer.livejournal.com]

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a week night, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again but, at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow..................cool."

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"
One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I mean it!"

[pir.livejournal.com]

A cricket walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, We've got a drink named after you !"

The cricket replies "Really ? Melvin ?"

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

LOL...cute :)

[book-of-pain.livejournal.com]

Did you hear the one about the skeleton who walks in to a bar and asks for a beer and a mop?