DCD said it best.

[badseed1980]

I thought that you knew it all
Well you've seen it ten times before.
I thought that you had it down
With both your feet on the ground.
I love slow ... slow but deep.
Feigned affections wash over me.
Dream on my dear
And renounce temporal obligations.
Dream on my dear
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken.
You build me up then you knock me down.
You play the fool while I play the clown.
We keep time to the beat of an old slave drum.
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds
You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in disillusionment.
I don't believe you anymore ... I don't believe you.
I thought that I knew it all
I'd seen all the signs before.
I thought that you were the one
In darkness my heart was won.
You build me up then you knock me down.
You play the fool while I play the clown.
We keep time to the beat of an old slave drum.
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds
You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in a domestic graveyard.
I don't believe you anymore ... I don't believe you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I never found a home inside of you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I gave you all my time.


Someone get me off this fucking roller coaster.

Comments

[developer.livejournal.com]

I was friendsfriends surfing and I saw this...

Wow, after years of hearing this song over and over, I don't think I've ever read the lyrics before or really heard them completely. A different effect than I expected.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I am thinking about dancing to that someday.

It was only the other day that I realized it expressed very well how I was feeling.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Hm? Anything you can share?
*hug* Not that that helps, but the thought is there.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being sympathetic.

Read the boy's post and my responses.

He still can't convince me that he's telling the truth, when he says it doesn't mean he loves me less. All he's done is say, "No, really, I mean it! I love you just as much!"

Kinda like, "No, really, she could only ever be just a friend!"

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Ah, yeah. I found them and figured it out shortly after the comment.

Um. Don't know what to say to this, other than that I'm in agreement--words only do so much. Some things need to be shown. But, unfortunately, accusing someone of not doing things correctly, of not keeping a balance, well--it's easy enough, in order to combat cognitive dissonance, to just say, "But...I feel equally!" and not necessarily have to show that.

And part of the problem is not being able to just insist to yourself that because you should feel some particular way, you do...what's best at that point? Honesty--saying, "I don't feel quite the same way about you as I do her"? (which only makes sense--how could love be equal when the things you love about each person are different? I don't mean a question of more/less love, I mean it feels different with each relationship.) Or is it better to tell yourself that that is not how things should be, so you will endeavor to correct that? (I'm not speaking for him, here, this is something I've been wondering about with parity in multi-partner relationships)

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I'm not asking for identical emotions.

I am asking for an equal intensity of emotion, shown through action.

I am asking to be treated like one of two primaries. geoogo makes me feel more values than he does, sometimes, and I am only a secondary to him.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Yes, but...geoogo is here, and that makes a huge difference in being there for someone. Our boy does not have the ability to phone or email or stop by whenever he thinks of it, or to make spontaneous dates or do little "thinking of you" sweet things. Just a thought: might be a different case when he returns.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Doubt it. It wasn't much different when he was here. And I don't think things have changed enough for it to be different when he comes home.

And I'm talking more about the quality of what is said to me, not the frequency of seeing him or talking to him. I'm talking about how G makes me feel important when he's talking to me. About how even when he's going through hard times and is too busy to e-mail me often, he says things that reassure me that he values my friendship and affection, and how even when HE'S upset, he still cares about me if I'm upset.

All those are things that don't require a person to be close physically. Just emotionally. Mentally.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

Laura, please understand I am not doing well at communicating with anyone.

I fucked up, big time, this week, just compounding the fact that I haven't gotten much better.

I don't KNOW what to do.

I want to be better.

the dependency things is that I felt I had a problem, and needed to address it, for my own health, first, and then for the sake of my relationships.

I sort of feel like I am not allowed to even rant and criticize myself . . .

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I sort of feel like I am not allowed to even rant and criticize myself . . .

I don't mean to make you feel that way. But I just felt like it was getting thrown in my face again, and it made me feel...disposable.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

I know. I am not trying to do that, and that doesn't matter, that I was not trying to do that.

i didn't take enough care to write my post such that it was realized I feel bad for the dependency all around, and scared by it.

Not simply for how it makes either of you feel.

First and foremost for how I feel. I had thought I got over that way of being, after Ann.

*hugs*

[cutieyum.livejournal.com]

I am catching up in LJ. If you would like to talk, outside the forum, give me a call. I sympathesize with your feelings.

Feelings, changes need time to marinate, grown, cement and synchronize.

I find it helpful when I let emotions and incidents take their time and some course, before I let them affect me. Being reflective, helps me manage my feelings and understand those around me.

Hang in there. Do something nice for yourself. Take a walk, get some ice cream. Take care.