AARRRGGHHH!
Aug. 23rd, 2004 10:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badseed1980Ok, first kink in my good mood happened not long ago. Not quite the other shoe dropping, but bad enough.
Two conflicting sets of plans led to someone getting slighted. I felt guilty because when plans were made with me, I was too goddamned selfish and happy with what I was getting for the idea to even cross my mind that someone else was getting slighted. I should have noticed, even though I wasn't aware of the original set of plans. I should have been on the lookout anyway. I always should. Since I wasn't, I must have looked like the guilty party because I didn't want to give up what was promised to me.
So here I was, angry that suddenly I was going to have to change my expectations, AND angry on behalf of someone else who got screwed over, AND guilty for not preventing that in the first place. I got pissed. No, this wasn't hurt masquerading as pissed. This was pissed and exasperated. The bad planner got defensive and angry with me for being pissed. I calmed down. I told him to just fix it. He didn't know how. I found a solution. I only hope it's enough, but I don't know how to make it any better without either somehow magically stopping time and making the night infinitely long, or allowing myself to be fucked over instead. I suggested sharing stuff as evenly as I could. I still felt guilty for getting as much as I was getting, even while part of me said, "I haven't gotten much for a while. This is nice." And the rest of me felt guilty for thinking that.
I don't like having to solve problems I didn't create. I don't like feeling like the bad guy for getting angry when those problems arise.
And then, I find out that the person who was getting fucked over is the one responsible for me getting what I'm getting in the first place. While I'm grateful, it makes me feel twice as guilty for not preventing problems here before they could happen. And it also makes me feel like I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. Like it was just an evening-the-odds decision, not a "this is what I want" decision. Like balancing the scales is the only reason to spend time with me. I've been told that's not true, but when actions speak this loud, it's hard to hear the words, much as I might want to. And then I'm made to feel guilty for feeling that way.
A flurry of "sorry"s and "love you"s and "goodnight"s can at least slap a bandaid on it all, which does start the process of making something better. But the need to vent is still with me, so appy polly loggies to one and all for doing so.
Fuck. I'm just exhausted. I need to sleep.
Two conflicting sets of plans led to someone getting slighted. I felt guilty because when plans were made with me, I was too goddamned selfish and happy with what I was getting for the idea to even cross my mind that someone else was getting slighted. I should have noticed, even though I wasn't aware of the original set of plans. I should have been on the lookout anyway. I always should. Since I wasn't, I must have looked like the guilty party because I didn't want to give up what was promised to me.
So here I was, angry that suddenly I was going to have to change my expectations, AND angry on behalf of someone else who got screwed over, AND guilty for not preventing that in the first place. I got pissed. No, this wasn't hurt masquerading as pissed. This was pissed and exasperated. The bad planner got defensive and angry with me for being pissed. I calmed down. I told him to just fix it. He didn't know how. I found a solution. I only hope it's enough, but I don't know how to make it any better without either somehow magically stopping time and making the night infinitely long, or allowing myself to be fucked over instead. I suggested sharing stuff as evenly as I could. I still felt guilty for getting as much as I was getting, even while part of me said, "I haven't gotten much for a while. This is nice." And the rest of me felt guilty for thinking that.
I don't like having to solve problems I didn't create. I don't like feeling like the bad guy for getting angry when those problems arise.
And then, I find out that the person who was getting fucked over is the one responsible for me getting what I'm getting in the first place. While I'm grateful, it makes me feel twice as guilty for not preventing problems here before they could happen. And it also makes me feel like I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. Like it was just an evening-the-odds decision, not a "this is what I want" decision. Like balancing the scales is the only reason to spend time with me. I've been told that's not true, but when actions speak this loud, it's hard to hear the words, much as I might want to. And then I'm made to feel guilty for feeling that way.
A flurry of "sorry"s and "love you"s and "goodnight"s can at least slap a bandaid on it all, which does start the process of making something better. But the need to vent is still with me, so appy polly loggies to one and all for doing so.
Fuck. I'm just exhausted. I need to sleep.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:06 pm (UTC)I do want it, but I cannot convince you of it.
Nothing will, it seems.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:12 pm (UTC)And here we go again, I'm feeling guilty about not being convinced. But I can't force myself to feel it. I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:18 pm (UTC)I can't seem to stop this. I am overreacting. I don;t want to do this crap anymore.
Help.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:21 pm (UTC)Nope, you shouldn't have been asked to find a solution when you weren't the one whose poor planning caused the problem.
Seems to be a banner year for "sorry"s, doesn't it?
no subject
Date: 2004-08-23 08:28 pm (UTC)I know. I just hope the solution I thought of is ok all around. *hug*
Seems to be a banner year for "sorry"s, doesn't it?
Tell me about it.