Three

[badseed1980]

I feel like recently, I have regained something I had lost.

Myself.

I feel like ME again.

I feel like I have recovered that calm still center in myself that is the true core of my being.

I feel like I can surf along the crests of the waves, not be drowned beneath them.

Hope floats.

I could not have regained this thing on my own. I was not completely responsible for losing it. But it's back. And I am grateful to the people and the gods who have helped me find it again.

Mind you, I'm not saying I am going to behave with the composure and serenity of a 90-year-old Buddhist monk sitting on a mountain. But I think I will see and feel things as MYSELF again. And that is a relief.

Comments

[p-firesinger.livejournal.com]

It is so very nice to find your center again after losing it for a while.

Congratulations.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Thanks man :)

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Hm...yeah, I noticed something different. It's good.

[opal-kitten.livejournal.com]

Congrats Hun!!

Good for you!


*SIGH* I only wise I could do the same...

*HUGS*

Congrats again..:)

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It's nothing I really tried to do. It just happened. It's like it was given back to me.

[opal-kitten.livejournal.com]

woot..:)

Thats cool..*HUGS*

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

And the odd thing is, it has nothing to do with anything I've DONE. It's not that I've learned to control my temper. And it's not that I was a little immature girl who's now grown up. This is something I HAD. And now it's back. And it was SCARY living without it. Like I've said before, it was like trying to build a stable foundation in quicksand. But now the ground under my feet is solid and I can sink my roots in again.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

So good to hear!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

And good to feel.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

What's odd is how we made posts at the same time; you about finding yourself, me about being lost. Don't think they actually have anything to do with each other, it's just an ironic turnaround.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I just read and responded to yours. It is odd.

And I do get to exercise tonight: I have dance! Yay!

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

Okay, this will sound narcissistic and egotistical, but here goes:
Don't think they actually have anything to do with each other, it's just an ironic turnaround.

Ah, but they do. I argue with you like a fucking demon last night. Blaming you and pushing you into corners. Maybe made you feel, at some point, like what I was saying was right, but I was saying it in a hurtful way, and forcing you to admit to worse than you had done.

It pisses you off. It may hurt, it may even make you question a lot of what you do, and whether any one who accuses you of something may be right, especially when you accuse yourself so readily.

this leads to you feeling lost, in some ways.

Laura, well, my eyes were opened by YOU, Kat, asking me why I felt such a potential with you instead of Laura. And I looked at things honestly. And learned things about Laura I hadn't know. Your asking me that made me look beyond my fear with her, and into the truth. That is part of what is making Laura feel found, I believe.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I guess I should be grateful that when you don't listen to what I say, you at least listen to what someone else says about me.

Do me a favour, love, and listen to me too in the future.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

"Maybe made you feel, at some point, like what I was saying was right, but I was saying it in a hurtful way, and forcing you to admit to worse than you had done."

Actually, no. Not really. I felt like you were simply trying to get me to feel bad about something that we keep going back to because you have yet to elicit the desired response from me about past events.

I think what threw me off is Laura's response to an email, wherein she came off as completely different than I've come to expect. While it's definitely a good thing, this new self-assuredness, it confused me, much like your solution to a problem confused me back in March...I think I expect people to stay within certain personality parameters, even if they're somewhat negative expectations, and when they don't, it somehow blurs the borders of everything around me.

Not their fault, nor their responsibility to stay the same for my sake (especially when growing in a good way), but it makes me realize how much of my own self is defined by what's around me. Don't think it's ever really hit me before. That, I think, is why I felt adrift--I was missing boundaries.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

As I've said before, this wasn't growing. This was actually going back to something I've had before. See, for as long as you've known me, pretty much, you've only seen the worst of me. You've seen me under constant and nearly unbearable emotional strain for around a year. I know you only have my word for it that this was not my natural state of being, but I will swear to any god you like that it was NOT. It was one long agonized reaction to new traumatic experiences and extremely bad emotional treatment.

And you know, most of the time, you probably wouldn't notice how I was acting unless it was particularly bad. So any good, healthy communication I had with Morgan, or any calm reactions to things he did to me more than likely went unnoticed. I didn't write in LJ about all the things that didn't hurt me. It's just human nature to be more aware of--and to be louder about--things that piss us off. :)

So long story short, I am not growing. I've just finally been able to stand up again after being knocked down way too often--usually every time I started struggling to my feet. That's not happening any more, and I have hope that it won't happen again. So I can get up and start walking around now.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

Actually, no. Not really. I felt like you were simply trying to get me to feel bad about something that we keep going back to because you have yet to elicit the desired response from me about past events.

That's the wonderful thing about feelings, isn't it? You can state what they are, and no one can tell you that those feelings are false.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

I think I expect people to stay within certain personality parameters, even if they're somewhat negative expectations, and when they don't, it somehow blurs the borders of everything around me.

Yet, you have admitted that you often tgell people that you have these expectations of them, especially the negative ones, in order to prod them into changing their ways. Why, then, if they do that, does it blur your borders?

[missanthropy.livejournal.com]

Hope Floats

That was SO refreshing to read. I followed you here from some community, which one though... I forgot. But I have been reading over your journal, and would love to add you as a friend. I hope you don't mind :)

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Add away, and let me know if you remember the community. :)

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I can't type. nonfluffypagans

Motherfucker. That should do it.

[dolphindream.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I'm so glad to hear this!

And I know what you mean.

Right now, I'm still fighting to make sure that I hold onto my core. I feel like I finally found it over the past few months . . . and I'm really terrified of losing it. Sometimes it seems obscured by all of the chaos around me . . . but I'm glad that I know it is still there.

There is something about the idea of "enlightenment" in my thoughts, but I'm not clear-headed enough to explain. Something about how after enlightment one just goes back to living . . .

Anyway, congrats. :)

*HUG*