What else can I be?

[badseed1980]

All apologies.

If I have ever hurt or pissed off anyone here, I apologize. If my problems were ever a burden on anyone here, I apologize. If I've ranted and raved and used this journal like a real journal, to scrawl out thoughts of anger and self-hate, I apologize. I have no right to expect anyone here to put up with me and my problems. I just want you all to know that I am working on them, and have been doing so much more carefully lately. Anything I said today about photographs was not backsliding. It was just a mild, eye-rolling, "oy vey" about photography and how hard it is to take a good picture, even when you look good. I was responding to something someone else said, sympathizing with how hard it is to take a picture. I have concluded that it's not me that makes the pictures bad, it's the photographer in most cases. I'm just one of those people who needs really good lighting for a photograph to show me off at my best, that's all. It doesn't mean I feel bad about myself.
Again, I'm sorry if I've hurt or upset anyone, and if there's anything I can do to make it up to those people, it will be done. Ok? Is this good with y'all? I'm promising to be more positive in the future in my LJ as well, or possibly to quit it altogether at some point. For now though, it will stay, and if I have trouble struggling with the demons that are always there to bother me, I won't bring it on this format. I will bring it to the people who I know are ok with my venting, and who know me well enough to know what I need and how to make me stop it and feel better. Thanks for putting up with me for so long, everyone, and I'm sorry again.

Comments

[mystaya-sin.livejournal.com]

~hugs~ Just find a good friend who understands and all will be well.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm lucky enough to already have a few very very good friends. :) I put up with their shit and they put up with mine, and I love them dearly. We help each other as much as we can. But I know that most of what needs to be done, must be done by me. I'm working on it. I've started charging my St. John's Wort pills before taking them, when I have time, envisioning light filling them that will illuminate the dark places with in me. I made a vow recently, a serious one, that I will do my best to fix myself, and I intend to uphold it. I have to be the best person I can be, especially if I want to serve the Gods in the best way I can.

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
i've never thought of you as a burden^.^ and thank you for putting up with my shit!!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Anytime chica! :)

This apology was intended more for other people, but I guess it's open ended. :) I'm glad to know I haven't upset you lately.

[lokiswings.livejournal.com]

I think that if venting helps, you should vent by all means. I have several different filters, based on things like interest, location, how close I am to the friends and how open minded they are. It's a nice way to insure that my posts will only be read by people who will be interested, sympathetic, or at least know better than get excessively concerned or offensive.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know I can do that. My problem is, when I start to vent I have a hard time filtering my venting through a rational mind. I will stick to venting "behind the scenes". Private e-mails, phone, or in person to the people who I know don't mind my venting occasionally. :)

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Um - no issues here. *hugs*
If you need to vent, by all means, vent. If we don't understand this need, who will?

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey :)

It's funny, the people who I *did* upset haven't responded yet. I feel kind of bad about that, since this is really a sincere apology. I never meant to hurt or upset anyone else with my own problems, and I feel really bad if I did. I know these are problems I have to overcome, and I've been working on it harder than ever lately. It's hard to force your mind out of the hole and into the light again. This is a problem with all the women in my family. We tend towards it. I thought I'd been doing better lately, so when people snapped at me yesterday, it hurt. A lot. And made me really mad, like all my efforts lately were for nothing. So I had my stupid outburst. That's over now. I know that even if they were wrong about what I was saying this time, I have been a jerk in the past. I'm trying to get better, and I hope they can forgive me for what I've done or at least give me a second chance.

OK, then.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

The people you intended this for didn't respond, at least in one case, because there was no computer access until this morning.

You're still missing the point. I don't want you to feel like you can't use this journal any way you like; it's your journal, feel free to vent, that's what it's for. And I don't want you to get all sorry and feel the need to please others, that's not what this is about, either.

It's when you come onto my journal, or others, and leave comments about how you don't feel like you're a worthwhile person, and put yourself down--it puts the rest of us in an awkward position. We don't know you well enough; we don't know what to do or say to you. This is a different kind of community than society as a whole--that sort of self-deprecation really isn't necessary. We don't want you to feel inadequate; we're a community of others who have all felt ostracized from "normal" society for being different in some way...we do understand. Neither do we expect you to overcompensate and act egotistical, that just gets obnoxious.

We just want you to relax, be yourself, and feel comfortable with who you are. It's a hell of a lot easier to get to know someone that way. You say you're working on that? Good. I'm glad you're aware of it. And I believe you. And whether you like it or not, we're now going to remind you that if you call us friends, you don't need to put on a show for us. Just be you.

Re: OK, then.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Thanks for responding. :) I appreciate it. I'm not saying I won't talk to people here when I'm upset, I'm just saying I won't bitch about things like this that shouldn't upset me.
It's weird. Part of me is quite self-confident. I know I'm as pretty and talented as anyone else. I think most of my problems stem from the fact of trying to get used to a whole new kind of relationship that presented me with problems that brought out all my old demons again in full force. I never really had enough time to ease myself into this before the problems came up. It's something that is taking some getting used to. And there's really no way of doing it except telling myself, "ok, this is how it is. Get used to it. It doesn't mean that you're not good enough." It's just a long way from saying such a thing and believing it. But as I said, I'm working on it.

Re: OK, then.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

"...there's really no way of doing it except telling myself, "ok, this is how it is. Get used to it."

I would disagree here. If at any point you are uncomfortable with something, you need to be comfortable enough to be able to say, "I'm not comfortable with this." Communication is key, you know that. You don't have to beat yourself up into believing you're happy with something that you're not. You have to be honest with yourself. You really shouldn't suppress an automatic reaction just because you don't think you should feel that way. It's going to be a process that involves several different emotions in the exploration of what you're OK with.
Open-mindedness is one thing, doormat-hood is another.

Re: OK, then.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Well, it's more like "Give it a chance, you know that if you can get over your own problems, this situation will not be a problem. See it as an impetus to get over your self-doubts etc."

I am honest with myself. I don't always know exactly what I want, but I'm honest about that to myself and others. :)

Re: OK, then.

[mystaya-sin.livejournal.com]

We all have self doubts and stressful time, some of us more then others. I think the balance you are looking for is knowing what to vent to many people and what to vent to a few.

Its easy to run to LJ and post when we are upset. With that said, the result is that sometimes more negatives stand out then positives. We post our pain and doubts in a way that we would not necessarily do in other forms of communications. So then you have a casual off-hand remark end up looking more negative then was the intention. Remember that the computer has no "tone of voice" or "facial expressions" things that are an intricate part of human communication but are lost in this means of relating to others.

The key is to take a deep breath before hitting the post key and think "who do I really want to see this?" often times you will change the people who can view it OR delete it all together and make a call or send an email instead.

For me I call or messege my best friend... she always has a comforting word or some good advice to help me get through.

By the way..... I take really shitty pictures, but I dont think I am ugly. I have one picture I really like done by a good friend in a staged setting. So I can completely relate to what you are saying. Sometimes its not self-esteem issues, but rather poking fun at ones-self or even just stating the obvoius.

Re: OK, then.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes its not self-esteem issues, but rather poking fun at ones-self or even just stating the obvoius."

Yeah, that was certainly the case with the comment that caused this whole blow-up. It's just something that alternately bemuses and amuses me. I don't have a pic up on my Onion Personals profile. I describe myself accurately and let people see what I look like when they meet me. Works better that way. :) Of course, it does mean that less people respond to my profile, but the ones I contact seem friendly enough.

Got someone recently who responded to my profile even without a pic. *His* pic is pretty cute, btw :)

[sweetpeatn.livejournal.com]

i didnt respond because i wasnt sure of what to say.

i wasnt attacking you yesterday.
and again i couldnt have stated it better than poly did.
we all have issues that we are dealing with. or have dealt with. as we get older the amount of emotional luggage we cart around tends to get heavier, unless we have a very good therapist. :P

any way no harm no foul.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Eh, I don't know about the no harm no foul. I did some harm. But at least we can move past it and I can try to chuck some of that baggage overboard. :)