A rant on age

[badseed1980]

I've seen so many people post personal ads or write me e-mails on personals sites where they describe themselves as "a young [insert age here]," or as "[insert age here] but young at heart," or as "[insert age here], but everyone thinks I'm younger when they see me."

I hope to god that no matter what age I am, I always have the balls to state it without this kind of half-assed apology. Why should anyone feel the need to qualify their age like that? It's like saying, "Hi, I weigh [insert weight here] but I'm pretty anyway!" It's bullshit. Whatever age you are, if people automatically decide that means you're a fogey, well, screw 'em. Whatever weight you are, if someone decides that automatically means you must be ugly, the hell with 'em. I do have an age range within which I'm comfortable dating, but that's because I want to date people who are roughly in the same stage of life that I am. It just makes things fit better. It doesn't mean I think people older than that can't be attractive (hello? Viggo Mortensen and Johnny Depp are BOTH outside that age range!) or cool (see previous parenthetical statement).

If you put qualifiers on your age, it just says to me, "I need to convince MYSELF that I'm still attractive and cool at this age, because I don't really believe it."

Tell me something real about yourself. Let me know what fascinates you, what you like, what you don't like, what you do with your time. That will tell me if you're cool or not. And if you post a picture of yourself, I can reach my own opinion on whether or not I find you physically attractive, without your assuring me of your youthful looks.

And when I'm your age, Mr. "Young At Heart", I won't tell you how young I look or act. I'll (hopefully) let other people say it about me, the way I do about my 60-but-looks-about-45 mom. :)

Comments

[mzwyndi.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm 38. I don't really know what 38 looks like, because when my mother was 38 she was in a coffin. I look better than that. Most days.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

38 looks like a million things depending on who you're talking about. On you, it looks pretty darn good as far as I've seen. :)

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

Well I'm 40 and damn proud of it. Not 39 again or any such nonsense. I do have to prove it sometimes but I love my age.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Good! The "39 again" thing makes me think of how a lot of actresses seem to vanish after a certain age, and you never hear about them doing anything new. Or they're relegated to certain kinds of parts (the "Lady Macbeth" type, the "ribald old lady" type, "mom", etc.) Whereas men seem to be able to get leading-man roles into their late middle age at least, and are often paired with women twenty to thirty years younger than they are. Women especially, I think, should be able to state their age with pride to remind people that yes, women are still vibrant and attractive and THERE after their 20s. We don't get obsolete.

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

LOL, I am definitely not obsolete. I'm twice the woman I was at 20 - in more ways than one! And I'm seeing someone 10 years my junior - so there!!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

:)

I tend to prefer guys a bit older than I am, usually, since in a college town like Boston, it seems like a lot of the ones my age or a little younger are still in the college-stage of life, while I was done with grad school 5 years ago. I find my life has more in common with people in their late 20s through early 40s at this point.

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

Well, then there is my hubby who is 6 years older and the second boyfriend who is 3 years older. I have nothing against older men, nothing at all :)

[roaming.livejournal.com]

I've found that when you get to "a certain age", even a 10 year span isn't that big a deal. The difference from 10 to 20 is HUMONGOUS. From 20-30, significant in most people (though not in all). Between 20 and 30, and 30 and 40, it's pretty much a wash. Three-six years diff? Pffffft! :-)

I personally admit that I'm ageist, even though I do believe it's "not fair" and "nor right" to be so. I am not interested in most men 60 and older. I find them "too old" psychically and physically. Which doesn't mean there aren't exceptions, but few (that I've met). Whatever my chronological age, I tend to find men in their 30s-40s about "the right age" for me interest-wise. Sometimes this has meant dating someone 18 years younger. I can only be grateful those men weren't as age-ist about my age as I am about men older than me.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Hell, LOOKING younger than your chronological age is something to be proud of, because usually, it means you've taken good care of yourself. I'm happy that while I've been seeing more grey hairs lately (yeah, I'm probably going to be dyeing my hair before I'm 35), I still get carded. :)

Nothing wrong with wanting to look young. But even if I dye my hair and use wrinkle cream and dress in hip, modern styles at 60, I'm still going to tell people I'm 60, and not dither about it.

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

People who've known me for over 15 years met my brother (9 years younger) and wanted to know how much older than me he was. Even better, this summer my sister came to work for me (13 years younger). I had 2 employees ask how much older than me she was!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[vieux-yeux.livejournal.com]

Hey, mind if I add you? Hope you don't mind me barging into your personal account like this. :P

And about your post, my mom jokingly insists that she's 29 and she's 44. Heh. She does get carded still, though, but I suppose in some places they just do it to everyone. (It would crush her spirits if I told her that, though.)

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Sure! And I've had enough interaction with you in communities and suchlike that I'll be happy to add you back. I should add one or two other people too, while I think of it.

[vieux-yeux.livejournal.com]

Lucky for me I haven't made too much of an ass of myself lately. :P

[miss-lisa-ma.livejournal.com]

Fair or not, people make snap assumptions about you based on your age...if they know it. When you post on a personals site, people see your name, location, gender, and AGE in the first 3 seconds--whereas if you met in the real world, you'd probably learn more about someone's energy, looks, interests, overall affect, before you'd learn the numerical age. You'd have a chance to "tell them something real about yourself" before they carded you; on the personals, you're automatically carded before you say hello.

I absolutely agree with your call on "tell me something real." Someone who comes across as vibrant and involved in life and interested in new things automatically reads as, well, young and vibrant and interesting, regardless of his chronological age. Some 50s have zazazu and some 20s need rocking chairs.

Weird true-life story: I get a few suitors on my OKCupid page who are really close to my age (43, and I brag about my age every chance I get), but most of them are either significantly 50-somethings or late-20/early-30-somethings. The ones I seem to get along with best, who aren't intimidated? The 30-somethings.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I get a lot of e-mails from 50-somethings and early-20-somethings too.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

When I was single I noticed that "young at heart" really meant "immature as all hell".

Not that there's anything wrong with being immature, mind. *WEG*

[roaming.livejournal.com]

I usually agree with that rant -- if only because I too don't want to be labelled by my age. Inside I feel 35 (my best age: still young enough to be "young", but old enough to be a responsible adult). My mother said, at 75, that every time she looked in the mirror she was shocked, because inside she still felt like her 18-year old self. Who are we: our inner selves; or what is made manifest to the world; or the ideal we yearn to be but fall short of? Some combination, no doubt. But for short-hand in daily life, we visually scan others and make a subconscious decision -- interested/not interested -- within SECONDS. If we didn't, no one would care what they wore, or whether they were fat or thin, or bathed or not.

I suspect you may be unique in your non-ageist perspective (despite having an "age range" you feel more comfortable with). Perhaps these people who need to point out that they have more to offer not limited to their chronological number have been rejected on-line too much already, and want to buy the time to reveal their other positive attributes not apparent at first glance, or on a written list. Or perhaps they are jerks who just want to connect with some Sweet Young Thang on the notion that "you're only as old as the people you feel." ;->

It's no secret we live in a "youth obsessed" culture. (I myself don't like youth so much as I'm squicked by oldness. I find not one thing to recommend it.) And there are good, DNA-driven biological reasons for that: youth is smooth, unlined, energetic, experimental, exciting, moving forward. . . the list is endless. Older people may be wise with experience, have skills garnered from years of practice that younger people do not have -- but that's about it in terms of "being valuable on the market place." Older people also have less time in front of them. (A friend of mine, 60, just fell in love with a guy who's 78. They're perfect for eachother. But how much time do they have together? It's easy to say "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all -- and that's true -- but still, many a younger person would hesitate to get involved with someone for whom the clock is so loudly ticking. No one wants to set themselves up for loss.) And unless they've kept in good health with exercise, etc., older people have less physical and psychic energy, and a whole host of age-related ailments just waiting to descend, starting with creeking joints (mine talk to me every day!), weak backs, knees, ankles; diabetes; heart ailments, blah blah. They also can be "set in their ways." I know I am! I still prefer the music of my youth rather than 90% of the current crop of crap that sounds more like screeching than singing.

Of course, there are exceptions to all the above. Maybe those people who are pointing it out are exceptions, and don't want to be dismissed -- as they already have been -- before someone takes them out for a spin and kicks the tires.

[roaming.livejournal.com]

What if your mom looked 60, or older? Right there the implication is "oh, but she's not as old as that, she's younger!" It's better to be 45 than 60.

Which isn't to say Mr. Young-at-Heart isn't turning you off more because his line is cheesy, and it's not his age but his personality, no matter his age, that somehow doesn't appeal. I'm repelled by his attempt to attract women YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF. He doesn't want to be dismissed because of age, but right there he's dismissing women his age or older as not suitable for him. It's only fitting that he should be rejected on ageist grounds, AND for being a jerk to boot!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Well, as I said in a comment elsewhere, wanting to LOOK young is also about taking care of yourself: protecting your skin and hair, keeping your body in good physical condition, etc. If someone does that, more power to them. I think the fact that my mom looks 45 but IS 60 is cooler than if she WERE 45 and looked it.

[witchyspyce.livejournal.com]

I see what you mean.

I get the opposite though. "Is that a current picture? You don't look..."

Although it's a blessing in disguise, it's quite frustrating.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Heh. I can see that.