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badseed1980Ok, I got to have a long talk with someone about this whole thing that's making me so angry and hurt.
I am no less hurt or angry. In fact, I'm even more so.
I have been made aware that more people than I knew have been deceiving me about any number of things.
I have realized that the man I love is a lazy, deceitful, cowardly, selfish person, and that I have given him more than he deserves of me.
I am not breaking up with him at this time. I will not give him the opportunity to look like the injured party and get sympathy from people and a less complicated situation. No. I am going to stick with him and make him either work things out or leave me himself.
Morgan, if I matter to you at all, if I am more than just a prop to make you look like less of a fuck-up and to bolster your self-esteem, you will stop lying to me. You lied to me and misled me and hid things from me, even after you swore to be honest and open with me. How could you?
I withdraw the blessing I gave you before you left. I will not do any more work to protect you. You don't deserve that much time and energy from me. Right now, you're safer where you are than you would be, were you standing right here in front of me. And if you don't call me as soon as you're damned well able to get to a phone, you will be even lower in my esteem than you are now.
I fell in love with a man, not with the idea of being in love. I fell in love with how you presented yourself to me. Now I find myself paranoid that I have to go back to everything you've ever told me or let me believe, and wonder if it's true. I know damned well you know how that feels. And that's how I feel about you right now. You have no honor. All that you do is to make yourself look good in others' eyes, so that in their reflected admiration you may think of yourself as a good man. It's not that easy. You want the esteem, you have to do the work.
And yet. Kurt Weill said it best, and Marianne Faithful's world-weary voice sang it best:
You said a lot, Johnny,
All one big lie, Johnny.
You cheated me blind, Johnny,
From the minute we met.
I hate you so, Johnny,
When you stand there grinning, Johnny.
Take that damn pipe out of your mouth, you rat.
Surabaya Johnny,
No one's meaner than you.
Surabaya Johnny,
My God — and I still love you so.
Surabaya Johnny,
Why am I feeling so blue ?
You have no heart, Johnny,
And I still love you so.
I am no less hurt or angry. In fact, I'm even more so.
I have been made aware that more people than I knew have been deceiving me about any number of things.
I have realized that the man I love is a lazy, deceitful, cowardly, selfish person, and that I have given him more than he deserves of me.
I am not breaking up with him at this time. I will not give him the opportunity to look like the injured party and get sympathy from people and a less complicated situation. No. I am going to stick with him and make him either work things out or leave me himself.
Morgan, if I matter to you at all, if I am more than just a prop to make you look like less of a fuck-up and to bolster your self-esteem, you will stop lying to me. You lied to me and misled me and hid things from me, even after you swore to be honest and open with me. How could you?
I withdraw the blessing I gave you before you left. I will not do any more work to protect you. You don't deserve that much time and energy from me. Right now, you're safer where you are than you would be, were you standing right here in front of me. And if you don't call me as soon as you're damned well able to get to a phone, you will be even lower in my esteem than you are now.
I fell in love with a man, not with the idea of being in love. I fell in love with how you presented yourself to me. Now I find myself paranoid that I have to go back to everything you've ever told me or let me believe, and wonder if it's true. I know damned well you know how that feels. And that's how I feel about you right now. You have no honor. All that you do is to make yourself look good in others' eyes, so that in their reflected admiration you may think of yourself as a good man. It's not that easy. You want the esteem, you have to do the work.
And yet. Kurt Weill said it best, and Marianne Faithful's world-weary voice sang it best:
You said a lot, Johnny,
All one big lie, Johnny.
You cheated me blind, Johnny,
From the minute we met.
I hate you so, Johnny,
When you stand there grinning, Johnny.
Take that damn pipe out of your mouth, you rat.
Surabaya Johnny,
No one's meaner than you.
Surabaya Johnny,
My God — and I still love you so.
Surabaya Johnny,
Why am I feeling so blue ?
You have no heart, Johnny,
And I still love you so.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 04:38 am (UTC)"HUGS"!!!! Call me if you need to talk.
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Date: 2004-02-29 04:46 am (UTC)I'm worn out talking right now, I just want to let my mind go blank in front of the TV.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 07:03 am (UTC)The poem I wrote was actually immediately after talking to you.
You said something so important in this post: "I fell in love with a man, not the idea of being in love." You still love him, because despite everything, he still IS the person you love, even if his failures have created a situation where you now have to question EVERYTHING. And it might turn out that you can't respect him or admire him as much, but you KNOW what your heart decided, and nothing can change the heart's truth. You can still love him, you can still have faith in him, but you don't have to GIVE anything he hasn't earned through his actions.
Your love is your own. Your truth is your own. And sometimes reality is that love simply isn't enough to make things work as we want. Love has its own reality; but we live in this world, and what people do DOES matter.
You loved him as truly as I've seen or known; you embraced your instincts, and trusted yourself. Maybe you trusted him more than he deserved. But I don't think you were wrong to trust your instincts, and I still think they are leading you in the right direction.
I don't know what is right or wrong; I could be wrong about all of this. I'm probably one of the last people to judge. All I can say is what I see, and I see someone who has been strong enough and brave enough to be true to herself at every step, and I can't help but admire that with all my being.
As always, I think you are simply amazing, Laura. And however anything turns out, I know you're just going to become stronger, more whole, and more true to yourself because of all of this. And I'm glad I get to know and admire you.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 02:36 pm (UTC)Morgan if you are reading this...
And it harm none.....
You have some work to do.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-29 02:46 pm (UTC)