No, it's spelled R-E-L-I-E-F, you dorks!

[badseed1980]

Ok. Talked to the boy. Things are not quite as bad as I thought. He admitted to fucking up on a few things, and I also found out that something I thought (and was told) wasn't true. Misunderstanding, that's all. And it was the thing that was bugging me the most. Also got a few flat-out answers that reassured me, especially since he would have said "I don't know" if he didn't know. At least he honestly said he does not want to relegate me to secondary relationship status.

He also said that he is more scared of losing the people than the relationships, and he's more concerned about hurting us than about looking like a fuckup. And although my conversations of the weekend made me fear that it was otherwise, I believed him when he said this. I believe that he sincerely believes it to be true.

Also, he admitted that his last post was NOT some sort of a final, "that's that and that's all" decision. It was just thinking aloud. I advised him to put in a sort of "Caution--thinking aloud!" warning when he says things like this, and promised that if he is careful to let me know that he's just bouncing thoughts off me, he can tell me whatever he's thinking about wihthout fear of my blowing up at him. This is the main reason why he has been less open about his feelings to me. I said to him, "Can you see why it hurts me that you share your feelings with her more than me?" And he did see that. Good. We are both going to work on this. I think I know what I'm going to be promising myself in a couple weeks. :)

I think sometimes that the way I see Morgan is hard, because I see what he is and what he could be. I don't just see what he is and take that as all I should expect. I don't just see what he could be and blind myself to his faults. I see his faults, and see what a truly amazing person he will be when he's worked on them for a while and overcome the worst of them. Sometimes I think it's that dichotomy that makes those things he does hurt me so much. I feel like, "No, damn it! I know you don't have to be like that! I know you're capable of being so much better! Why can't you just be like that NOW?" And I remind myself: Not only does he have to do the work to get there, I have to have the patience to wait until the work is done, or at least well begun.

Wow, this entry is getting long. Better get working. I am such a slacker this afternoon.

Comments

[mystaya-sin.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you two spoke. Now some of your fears are lessened and he knows that he has to be more careful at how he presents things like this via Live-Journal. Harm is Harm. You were right to tell him that he was hurting you while also giving him time to try and make things right. Communication is so key, especially in relationships involving more then one person. It will be up to him to constantly keep talking so assumptions are not made.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

It will be up to him to constantly keep talking so assumptions are not made.

Yeah, I can't count how many times I've been told, "Oh, I assumed you knew that. I thought it was obvious."

People, consider me stupid. Or at least consider that not everything is as obvious outside your own heads as it is inside them. :)

I did indeed tell him that he MUST be better about telling me about his feelings. I don't like having to find out secondhand. I promised that as long as he does so, thereby proving to me that he's not hiding things from me, I will be less paranoid and therefore less likely to get really upset. And I will keep reminding myself that hearing him say something hurtful to me is better than finding out something hurtful from another source, or long after the fact. I'd rather be stabbed in the front than the back, thank you.

[mystaya-sin.livejournal.com]

Thats the thing with poly relationships, you have to be more Everything. What might seem like a small deal in a Mono relationship can be huge is a poly one. Especially a poly one where one person is still unsure about how she feels about it. Keep talking and things will work out.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

I think, now that I can tell YOU how I feel and how things are going, I am trying to not be afraid anymore.

You know how I feel, how she feels, and that clears up confusion. I actually feel a LOT better. I had no idea you didn't know, and that is why I gave you less credit.

This doesn't make everything alright, but I feel better about things working out with you and I now, and less like it is only a matter of time until you decide you have had enough of me.

I have wanted to share the happiness I felt about Kat with you, but was always afraid.

I don't want to "put things in your face" so much as i want to share with you to the same level I share with her.

maybe things with all three of us will work out. How? I don't know yet, but I will try to make it so.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Let's hope so sweetie. Let's hope they do work out. I don't know if it's possible, or if it's for the best, or what, but I know it will make you happy, so I hope it will make both of us happy too.