(no subject)

[badseed1980]

Just sent off a package to the boy. I hope it gets there ok.

I recently decided to say goodbye to the Invisible Girl. This is my term for me when I'm:
* kept out of the loop because people don't care enough to keep me in
* ignored by people when I'm trying to attract them
* treated like the little minor heavenly body that gets eclipsed because it's in the shadow of greater things
* not served drinks at the bar in ManRay despite the fact that I'm waving money (and other things) in the bartender's face
* made to feel insignificant.

I will swear up and down that these things are not just about my attitude. If they were, they'd happen all the time, every time. Instead, they just happen often. I wasn't saying goodbye to a defeatist attitude. I was saying that I would never again allow people to treat me like that. It's not so much about being the center of attention. It's about not being on the fringe so often.

I resolve that from now on:

* Friends who I don't see often will e-mail me to say hi, without my always e-mailing them first. (This has already started. I have been surprised and gratified.)
* I will be among the first to know what's going on with people I care about, especially if it involves me too.
* New cool people will introduce themselves to me in the hopes of striking up a conversation. (I do this occasionally when I see someone reading a good book or knitting.)
* Someone will ask me to dance or at least flirt with me the next time I go to ManRay, if I just smile at them.
* Someone will call me just to chat. I may initiate this, just to get the ball rolling. It's something I used to do frequently, until I realized no one ever did it to me.

So yeah, I resolve not to be invisible. I resolve to be noticeable. My friend M once told me that I have that "Something" that tisana was talking about having in her last post, that made men fall for me constantly. I don't seem to have it anymore. Whatever it is, it can help make friends too, and just make you an all-around more attractive human being. And I want it back, gods damn it.

Comments

ugh.

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

I have that problem, too. I just learned to work around it. LOL!

Good luck, though!

Re: ugh.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I'm turning into a stubborn bitch. :) I just hope that I don't wind up disappointing myself.

People may wonder why I try so hard to attract attention. It's because I have to.

Re: ugh.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

And, see, I never thought you had to. The way I observe things, you receive a lot of attention. Perhaps not the way you want, though, and that's what's getting to you.

I, too, have often felt overshadowed in a great variety of settings.

Re: ugh.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Ok, I guess what I mean is that I don't get attention in the form of people wanting to interact with me. It has often seemed to me like I care more about most people than they care about me. There have been quite a few changes in this regard lately. I've found out that there were people who stood up for me when I was attacked behind my back. I've been given more attention from Morgan because he finally realized how much I was hurting. I've found a new family who's made me feel so welcome and so happy, I don't think I *can* be sad around them. Certainly not for long. They just infuse me with joy when I'm with them. :)

And I do try hard. I crack the jokes. I flirt. I give comfort when it's needed. I act extravagantly. I go over the top to avoid slipping through the cracks.

I've felt very recently like things were getting better, so this weekend seemed like a good time to say goodbye to all that shit.

Re: ugh.

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

I tried stubborn bitch. It didn't work for me...just ended up with me being further alienated. Now I default to "Oh...I'm just shy." :P

I find that things have improved, though. Maybe it's just something you're going through right now. I don't feel as invisible as I used to.

Re: ugh.

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I was SUCH a shy kid. I finally grew out of it when I was about 14. I've gotten a lot more outgoing since then. I don't want to do shy again. Being shy was not a happy time in my life.

I do feel less invisible lately. I figured that it was a good time to get rid of the psychic residue of the Invisible Girl while she had less influence.

Re: ugh.

[bittercat.livejournal.com]

Good plan! ;)

resolutions

[tisana.livejournal.com]

Actually, saying goodbye to a defeatist attitude is something I could get behind, though I'm not sure I'd say that you have one.

But making resolutions for other people to change? I don't know that that's practical, or even possible. All you can change is you, realistically. This is not to say that you need an attitude adjustment, but you can't go around forcing change for others, so I'd say just think about: "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

I know you're not like the friends I have to yell at for whining about life not going how they like when they're not even making an effort, but what you're doing isn't getting the results you like, change it. It's admirable that you're making the efforts--why would you ever stop doing that? Sometimes it's not that you're not someone they want to spend time with, it's that whoever you're wishing would pay attention is just being clueless and/or lazy (I'm one of those friends, ask harlenna--I never initiate get-togethers). You do have a right to demand a certain amount of effort from friends...but not if you don't go and let them know about your expectations--you do plan on that, right?

Re: resolutions

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Well, what I mean is not that I'm going to change other people. I am thinking more of a magical sense. I am going to consciously make an effort to have a "notice me!" energy. I am going to refuse to allow the existence of a universe in which I can be pushed into a corner. It's less like saying, "I'm going to make people pay attention to me" than it is like "I will not be ignored because that's just not how things work."

I know it sounds the same, but it's like the difference between "I'm going to make my boss give me a raise" and "I'm the kind of person who attracts money." I am opening myself up to the existence of a world where I just happen to be a person who other people want to be around, and who they think about when I'm not around. That's all. I will certainly make sure to continue making efforts, but I don't want things to get to the point where I have to jump up and down and throw a hissy fit before people care about me. Granted, last time I did that, it worked. But I never want to have to do it again.

Re: resolutions

[tisana.livejournal.com]

"I know it sounds the same"

Ah. No, there is a difference, slight but important. I can see that being a positive change.

[dolphindream.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's any consolation, although you probably realize it, that you are one of my friends that I wish I managed to make more time for in real life (not just on lj.)

Resolution: now that the weather is nicer, and I'm willing to leave my building for lunch, we should get lunch sometime this week. (ie, the week AFTER I'm posting this comment, as your post was much earlier this week and I'm still trying to catch up with people . . .)

*HUG* You know I think you're awesome, right? :)

Happy Spring!!!

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Aw, you're awesome too! I would love to meet for lunch sometime. What days are good for you? Monday would probably be worst for me, and Fridays are often taken.