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badseed19801. You hold insightful conversations with
Mr.Jelly.
2. You have ever tasted dried frog pills.
3. You know the recipe to Mr.Dibbler's sausage-
inna-bun.
4. You go to bed with a sign reading `I ATEN'T
DEAD'.
5. You have ever hidden alcohol in your hat-tip.
6. When writing research papers, you ask the
orangutans at the zoo for help navigating the
library's reference section.
7. You have used the phrase `Millenium hand and
shrimp'.
8. You are always kind to cats, just in case the
dude with the glowing blue eye-sockets shows up
unexpectedly.[1]
9. You dread receiving a note from Mr.Ixolite.
10. You fly into a berserker rage in the presence
of snow-globes.
11. You talk to gargoyles and expect an answer.
12. You actually HAVE gotten an answer.
13. When being robbed/mugged/assassinated, you
ask to see a liscence.
14.You know all the words to the Hedgehog Song.[2]
15. When buying travel accessories, you ask the
clerk if the suitcases have legs, and complain
loudly when you discover they do not.
16. You are trained in the arts of the hat-pin.
17. Your computer has an FTB.[3]
18. You run for cover at the sight of yellow
butterflies.
19. Your cat once treed a grizzly.
20. You know all the words to `A Wizard's Staff
Has A Knob On The End'.[2]
21. When applying for university courses, you
are/were shocked to find that Magic 1000 does not
exist.
22. Mention of the word `gimlet' has you thinking
of the dwarf who owns the Delicatessen on Cable
Street.
23. Your compost heap glows in the dark.
24. Ook ook eek ook.
25. You understood number 24.
26. The local pet store refuses to sell you
turtles because of The Elephant Incident.
27. You have willingly eaten vindaloo.
28. You painted your budgie black and named him
`Quoth'.
29. You are sorely disappointed to discover that
not one of your math teachers is/was a camel.
30. You always treat tortoises with great
respect. Just in case.
31. Your biggest fear about sailing is going over
the edge.
32. When someone speaks of the north and/or south
poles, you comment that you didn't know they were
Omnian.
From Maaike and Alex Charron
Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1:The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2:The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1
You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
