(no subject)

[badseed1980]

I am now slightly (though not much) more awake than I was for my earlier entry. I'm still walking that weird line between good mood and bad. I know that if other people continue to be in a bad mood, eventually I'll catch it too. If they cheer up, I'll be ok. I don't like seeing them hurting, and I don't like knowing that if I let it affect me too much, I'll go into one of those spirals of depression that are so hard for me to escape. I feel selfish because I'm worrying about that, too. But I know how I get. And I know that those depressions and that pain doesn't help anything. I think the best thing I can do right now is to keep hold of the little hope that I have that everything will be ok in the future. Someday. Somehow. Somewhere. Like that stupid song in West Side Story. It's only a little hope, but it's better than nothing. It's the sun on midwinter's day.

One thing I just thought of: having faith in the ability of people to be good people has never been a bad thing for me. Yes, I've been hurt and disappointed, but I have never been wrong in the end. If I gave up more easily on people, I wouldn't still have my best friend Raul in my life. And that would be bad. I need to have him there, and always will. Even after the shit he pulled on me, I knew I shouldn't give up on him. And I didn't. And I'm glad. And my gut tells me that this is true in this case, as well.

Gaze no more in the bitter glass
The demons with their subtle guile
Lift up before us when they pass,
Or only gaze a little while.
For there a fatal image grows
That the stormy night receives:
Roots half hidden under the snows,
Broken boughs, and blackened leaves.

And there through the broken branches go
The ravens of unresting thought,
Flying, crying to and fro,
Cruel claw and hungry throat.
Or else they stand and sniff the wind,
And shake their ragged wings, alas!
Thy tender eyes grow all unkind--
Gaze no more in the bitter glass.

W.B. Yeats, in one of my favorites. Can you tell it's one of my favorites? I have the whole thing memorized. First part before this, too. :/

Back to work. I must get stuff done.

Comments

[dolphindream.livejournal.com]

Is it horrible of me to find hope and strength in your attempts to avoid that spiral of guilt and depression? I realize how much it helps me to hold onto positives, like hope and faith, in myself and others, especially when there is so much negative . . .

I decided, maybe not long ago, that the only thing I'm really capable of (reliably) giving others is love and faith. With such light inside me, I'll never really be cold . . .

I don't know how people can survive without hope . . .

okie, I'm gonna just post in my own journal for now. Or something. :)

*HUGS* hope the rest of the day goes better . . .

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

See, that's just it. My day is going pretty well. I'm just concerned about other people. And I'm glad my struggling to keep my head above water is helpful to someone...