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Mar. 1st, 2004
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purpleyarrow
No, it's spelled R-E-L-I-E-F, you dorks!
Mar. 1st, 2004 05:17 pmOk. Talked to the boy. Things are not quite as bad as I thought. He admitted to fucking up on a few things, and I also found out that something I thought (and was told) wasn't true. Misunderstanding, that's all. And it was the thing that was bugging me the most. Also got a few flat-out answers that reassured me, especially since he would have said "I don't know" if he didn't know. At least he honestly said he does not want to relegate me to secondary relationship status.
He also said that he is more scared of losing the people than the relationships, and he's more concerned about hurting us than about looking like a fuckup. And although my conversations of the weekend made me fear that it was otherwise, I believed him when he said this. I believe that he sincerely believes it to be true.
Also, he admitted that his last post was NOT some sort of a final, "that's that and that's all" decision. It was just thinking aloud. I advised him to put in a sort of "Caution--thinking aloud!" warning when he says things like this, and promised that if he is careful to let me know that he's just bouncing thoughts off me, he can tell me whatever he's thinking about wihthout fear of my blowing up at him. This is the main reason why he has been less open about his feelings to me. I said to him, "Can you see why it hurts me that you share your feelings with her more than me?" And he did see that. Good. We are both going to work on this. I think I know what I'm going to be promising myself in a couple weeks. :)
I think sometimes that the way I see Morgan is hard, because I see what he is and what he could be. I don't just see what he is and take that as all I should expect. I don't just see what he could be and blind myself to his faults. I see his faults, and see what a truly amazing person he will be when he's worked on them for a while and overcome the worst of them. Sometimes I think it's that dichotomy that makes those things he does hurt me so much. I feel like, "No, damn it! I know you don't have to be like that! I know you're capable of being so much better! Why can't you just be like that NOW?" And I remind myself: Not only does he have to do the work to get there, I have to have the patience to wait until the work is done, or at least well begun.
Wow, this entry is getting long. Better get working. I am such a slacker this afternoon.
He also said that he is more scared of losing the people than the relationships, and he's more concerned about hurting us than about looking like a fuckup. And although my conversations of the weekend made me fear that it was otherwise, I believed him when he said this. I believe that he sincerely believes it to be true.
Also, he admitted that his last post was NOT some sort of a final, "that's that and that's all" decision. It was just thinking aloud. I advised him to put in a sort of "Caution--thinking aloud!" warning when he says things like this, and promised that if he is careful to let me know that he's just bouncing thoughts off me, he can tell me whatever he's thinking about wihthout fear of my blowing up at him. This is the main reason why he has been less open about his feelings to me. I said to him, "Can you see why it hurts me that you share your feelings with her more than me?" And he did see that. Good. We are both going to work on this. I think I know what I'm going to be promising myself in a couple weeks. :)
I think sometimes that the way I see Morgan is hard, because I see what he is and what he could be. I don't just see what he is and take that as all I should expect. I don't just see what he could be and blind myself to his faults. I see his faults, and see what a truly amazing person he will be when he's worked on them for a while and overcome the worst of them. Sometimes I think it's that dichotomy that makes those things he does hurt me so much. I feel like, "No, damn it! I know you don't have to be like that! I know you're capable of being so much better! Why can't you just be like that NOW?" And I remind myself: Not only does he have to do the work to get there, I have to have the patience to wait until the work is done, or at least well begun.
Wow, this entry is getting long. Better get working. I am such a slacker this afternoon.