(no subject)

I hate this. I'm scared. I can barely see the screen right now, I'm crying so hard,. I can't type.

I feel sick. I feel like throwing up, I dont know if I can deal with this. i just want to die.I hate it. I swear it took only weeks from when he told me he loved me for him to love someone else more. I have always, I know it, been secondary in his affections. I can't take tht. I can't. I wish to gods I had never fallen in love. I can't ever allow myself to do it agian. I want to jusst sleep and never wake up.
WHy does this happen? Why does it always happen? Why? Why? Why? I wish I could just feel hate and not love for him, I wish I didn't feel like it was all my fault. I wish I didn't think that breaking up with him is my only option. I don't want to do that. I don't want to want it. I'm so fucking scared right now. I almost wish I had died the night he said he loved me so none of this would ever have happened. I wish I had died at that last moment of haoppiness. I won't ever kill myself, but sometimes I wish the universe wsould do it for me..

(no subject)

And GODS DAMN YOU for not having the fucking common sense and tact to talk to me directly about this, but to post in your LJ. To send me a tiny short e-mail saying nothing, and then to post this SLAP IN THE FACE "I'm sorry, but I really don't apologize" where I didn't see it until later. You say you love me but you have no regard for my feelings. I want to leave you, but I'll be as miserable without you as I am with you. You give me things no one else can give, and I am so deeply in love with you it scares me. But everything you say and do makes me more and more convinced that you really don't care how I feel. Or at the very least, you care much much more about yourself than about either of the two people you say you love.
I had hopes that you would really be able to treat us equally, that you would be good to both of us, but those hopes are daily diminished.

The next installment in this fucking soap opera

Ok, I got to have a long talk with someone about this whole thing that's making me so angry and hurt.

I am no less hurt or angry. In fact, I'm even more so.

I have been made aware that more people than I knew have been deceiving me about any number of things.

I have realized that the man I love is a lazy, deceitful, cowardly, selfish person, and that I have given him more than he deserves of me.

I am not breaking up with him at this time. I will not give him the opportunity to look like the injured party and get sympathy from people and a less complicated situation. No. I am going to stick with him and make him either work things out or leave me himself.

Morgan, if I matter to you at all, if I am more than just a prop to make you look like less of a fuck-up and to bolster your self-esteem, you will stop lying to me. You lied to me and misled me and hid things from me, even after you swore to be honest and open with me. How could you?

I withdraw the blessing I gave you before you left. I will not do any more work to protect you. You don't deserve that much time and energy from me. Right now, you're safer where you are than you would be, were you standing right here in front of me. And if you don't call me as soon as you're damned well able to get to a phone, you will be even lower in my esteem than you are now.

I fell in love with a man, not with the idea of being in love. I fell in love with how you presented yourself to me. Now I find myself paranoid that I have to go back to everything you've ever told me or let me believe, and wonder if it's true. I know damned well you know how that feels. And that's how I feel about you right now. You have no honor. All that you do is to make yourself look good in others' eyes, so that in their reflected admiration you may think of yourself as a good man. It's not that easy. You want the esteem, you have to do the work.

And yet. Kurt Weill said it best, and Marianne Faithful's world-weary voice sang it best:

You said a lot, Johnny,
All one big lie, Johnny.
You cheated me blind, Johnny,
From the minute we met.
I hate you so, Johnny,
When you stand there grinning, Johnny.
Take that damn pipe out of your mouth, you rat.

Surabaya Johnny,
No one's meaner than you.
Surabaya Johnny,
My God — and I still love you so.
Surabaya Johnny,
Why am I feeling so blue ?
You have no heart, Johnny,
And I still love you so.