Now that you mention it...

...I'm nervous too. It's lurking there under the happiness, as usual. Shite. I'm being Bert. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid I'm pinning too many hopes on a few days. I'm afraid of ending up disappointed. Hell, I'm afraid I'm getting my hopes up too much in general. But only time will tell.

And I AM happy. I have done this before, welcoming a man I love home after months away, and it always made me happy. I think I'm happier this time than ever before. Somehow, that's the most frightening thing of all. Will I end up regretting the hope and trust that have put me here? I hope not.

Now I have to make my place ready.

Because I forgot to post it yesterday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY j4yx0r!

Montag.

Greetings and welcome home to all my friends who went to Pennsic! Hope you all had a great time. It sounds like fun, but not like something I'd ever in a million years have time to do.

So, I'm all a-whirl over the weeks to come. Excited, scared, hopeful, horny, happy, anxious, giggly, guilty, ecstatic, eager, and holding my breath for fear of exploding, one way or another. We'll see how it goes. I have to admit, I'm thrilled to be going to Stones, though I still feel bad about being thrilled NOW when I was just scared before. I will not apologize, though, for either the thrilled-ness or the guilt. No one should ask me to.

I've been making to-do lists for all the stuff I have to do before the boy gets home. Now I want to make one for stuff to do at Stones, other than all the things that go without saying.

1. Get a new rock to bring home with me
2. Get some water from the ocean at Milford
3. Get some water from the creek at Four Quarters
(Yes, for #2 and #3, I will get extra to share)
4. Get rid of some stuff, if I can find out what I need to get rid of
5. Find some alone-time to just sit and cry.
6. Find some alone-time to rejoice in the Land
7. Buy a present for someone from a vendor
8. Help someone who needs it
9. Exchange contact info with at least one new friend
10. Make at least one new promise to keep

I had to steal this from cypheroverload

To this of you that refuse to capitalize, a brief lesson:

Capitalization is the difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".




Thank you.

AARRRGGHHH!

Ok, first kink in my good mood happened not long ago. Not quite the other shoe dropping, but bad enough.

Two conflicting sets of plans led to someone getting slighted. I felt guilty because when plans were made with me, I was too goddamned selfish and happy with what I was getting for the idea to even cross my mind that someone else was getting slighted. I should have noticed, even though I wasn't aware of the original set of plans. I should have been on the lookout anyway. I always should. Since I wasn't, I must have looked like the guilty party because I didn't want to give up what was promised to me.

So here I was, angry that suddenly I was going to have to change my expectations, AND angry on behalf of someone else who got screwed over, AND guilty for not preventing that in the first place. I got pissed. No, this wasn't hurt masquerading as pissed. This was pissed and exasperated. The bad planner got defensive and angry with me for being pissed. I calmed down. I told him to just fix it. He didn't know how. I found a solution. I only hope it's enough, but I don't know how to make it any better without either somehow magically stopping time and making the night infinitely long, or allowing myself to be fucked over instead. I suggested sharing stuff as evenly as I could. I still felt guilty for getting as much as I was getting, even while part of me said, "I haven't gotten much for a while. This is nice." And the rest of me felt guilty for thinking that.

I don't like having to solve problems I didn't create. I don't like feeling like the bad guy for getting angry when those problems arise.

And then, I find out that the person who was getting fucked over is the one responsible for me getting what I'm getting in the first place. While I'm grateful, it makes me feel twice as guilty for not preventing problems here before they could happen. And it also makes me feel like I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. Like it was just an evening-the-odds decision, not a "this is what I want" decision. Like balancing the scales is the only reason to spend time with me. I've been told that's not true, but when actions speak this loud, it's hard to hear the words, much as I might want to. And then I'm made to feel guilty for feeling that way.

A flurry of "sorry"s and "love you"s and "goodnight"s can at least slap a bandaid on it all, which does start the process of making something better. But the need to vent is still with me, so appy polly loggies to one and all for doing so.

Fuck. I'm just exhausted. I need to sleep.