(no subject)

I guess I bring these things on myself.

I promised myself I wouldn't ever date another military man, after Dan was sent to Kuwait and we broke up. Then I broke my own promise. "At least," I told myself, "I'm never going to fall in love with another military man." Then I broke that promise as well. I wasn't too worried though: he was stationed right in New Hampshire, and there were no signs he'd be leaving anytime soon.
Well, now those signs are starting to appear, and so is that familiar dread that's taken up its place in the pit of my stomach. I'm afraid. And as much as he tries to console me with "There aren't any orders, it's just rumours right now. This happened to me before and I didn't get sent over," it doesn't work. Because, to my regret, I know the Army. It changes its mind at the drop of a hat, and they have no qualms about fucking over their soldiers with "Surprise! You're going to a combat zone in a week!" I know; I've seen it happen.
I don't think there is any consolation for this. This pseudo-war will never end. Even if they don't send him away now, who's to say it won't happen a few months from now? It's like walking on a rickety bridge that could break at any minute and send you plunging into a deep chasm. Only the bridge has an end that you get to eventually, if you're lucky. I can only hope and pray that if he ever does get sent over, it will be when we've been together long enough that our relationship can stand a year's leave of absence and come back intact. Otherwise I'm afraid it will be the end of the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time.

(no subject)

I would have liked to talk to him about this whole rumour thing, because I only found out by accident and haven't had a chance to really talk with him yet. I wanted to see him again tonight, but no go. Shit. I think that was the only thing that would have stopped me from getting into a blue funk and worrying at home alone. Anyway, I guess that's MY plan for the evening.

(no subject)

So I'm going to a party tonight. Near where I just spent last night, oddly enough. It's not what I wanted or what I needed, but it'll do I guess. Better than sitting at home and bloody crying like the whiny, clingy jerk I feel like. It'll be fun, I hope. Anne will be there, and she can make a pretty good shoulder to cry on. I wish I had more people who I felt I could call when I needed that. I mean, I have some good friends who, when I see them, are great to talk to. But if I don't see them, we don't talk. Or we just e-mail, and it's hard to pour your heart out in an e-mail. But the self-pity will end now. I will go to this party and spend the night there with a bunch of friends, so at least I won't be alone. Good. That *is* what I need, at least to some degree.

Final update of the night, I promise.

Thank the gods. I'm so lucky to have Raul. I don't know if it was what he said, how he said it, what I said to him, or just the energy that passes between us that made me feel better, but I do.
I was just feeling like I needed someone, anyone who I loved and trusted, to talk to. I felt so lonely and helpless. But Raul called me right back after I left him a message, and he helped me. Just hearing someone say, "What's the matter? Tell me what's bothering you. Tell me why this is hurting you so much," felt good. He didn't tell me not to worry. He didn't tell me it would be okay. But he reminded me of the blessings I have, and that there are those in the world who love me and care for me. Even if I feel alone, they don't stop. It seems like whenever I really need him, he's there to heal me and help me. That's what I needed tonight: someone I could depend on to be there for me when I was in pain. And he was. And for those who weren't, it's ok. I am better now, and I can talk about things later and be less hysterical. This is not a guilt trip. A long strange trip, maybe, but that's it. :) I am lucky to have friends and lovers like the ones I have, and have had in the past. Not one of them is replaceable by another. They are all precious and unique to me, alive with a fire in my mind that is brilliant and warm. They are a treasure I can take out in my mind and hold close to me, even when they aren't around. See? That's another thing about Raul. Speak to Romanians, and you'll start speaking poetry! You just can't help it! Feeling much better now. I won't be a drag on the party. :)